diff --git a/core/database.class.php b/core/database.class.php
index cb79e402..36d5e1cd 100644
--- a/core/database.class.php
+++ b/core/database.class.php
@@ -269,31 +269,15 @@ class Database {
 	/**
 	 * The currently active cache engine
 	 */
-	private $cache = null;
+	public $cache = null;
 
 	/**
-	 * Don't do anything yet; DB and cache connections will be created as
-	 * and when they're needed
+	 * For now, only connect to the cache, as we will pretty much certainly
+	 * need it. There are some pages where all the data is in cache, so the
+	 * DB connection is on-demand.
 	 */
 	public function Database() {
-	}
-
-	public function __get($name) {
-		if($name == "engine") {
-			if(is_null($this->engine)) {
-				$this->connect_engine();
-			}
-			return $this->engine;
-		}
-		else if($name == "cache") {
-			if(is_null($this->cache)) {
-				$this->connect_cache();
-			}
-			return $this->cache;
-		}
-		else {
-			return $this->$name;
-		}
+		$this->connect_cache();
 	}
 
 	private function connect_cache() {
@@ -356,16 +340,26 @@ class Database {
 	}
 
 	public function commit() {
-		if(!is_null($this->db)) $this->db->commit();
+		if(!is_null($this->db)) return $this->db->commit();
 	}
 
 	public function rollback() {
-		if(!is_null($this->db)) $this->db->rollback();
+		if(!is_null($this->db)) return $this->db->rollback();
 	}
 
 	public function escape($input) {
 		if(is_null($this->db)) $this->connect_db();
-		$this->db->Quote($input);
+		return $this->db->Quote($input);
+	}
+
+	public function scoreql_to_sql($input) {
+		if(is_null($this->engine)) $this->connect_engine();
+		return $this->engine->scoreql_to_sql($input);
+	}
+
+	public function get_driver_name() {
+		if(is_null($this->engine)) $this->connect_engine();
+		return $this->engine->name;
 	}
 
 	/**
diff --git a/core/imageboard.pack.php b/core/imageboard.pack.php
index 7f04fcf5..43e89f7f 100644
--- a/core/imageboard.pack.php
+++ b/core/imageboard.pack.php
@@ -160,7 +160,7 @@ class Image {
 		else if(count($tags) == 1 && !preg_match("/[:=><]/", $tags[0])) {
 			$term = Tag::resolve_alias($tags[0]);
 			return $database->get_one(
-				$database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("SELECT count FROM tags WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(tag) = SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"),
+				$database->scoreql_to_sql("SELECT count FROM tags WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(tag) = SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"),
 				array("tag"=>$term));
 		}
 		else {
@@ -432,7 +432,7 @@ class Image {
 	public function set_locked($tf) {
 		global $database;
 		$ln = $tf ? "Y" : "N";
-		$sln = $database->engine->scoreql_to_sql('SCORE_BOOL_'.$ln);
+		$sln = $database->scoreql_to_sql('SCORE_BOOL_'.$ln);
 		$sln = str_replace("'", "", $sln);
 		$sln = str_replace('"', "", $sln);
 		if(bool_escape($sln) !== $this->locked) {
@@ -472,7 +472,7 @@ class Image {
 			// insert each new tags
 			foreach($tags as $tag) {
 				$id = $database->get_one(
-						$database->engine->scoreql_to_sql(
+						$database->scoreql_to_sql(
 							"SELECT id FROM tags WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(tag) = SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"
 						),
 						array("tag"=>$tag));
@@ -493,7 +493,7 @@ class Image {
 							array("iid"=>$this->id, "tid"=>$id));
 				}
 				$database->execute(
-						$database->engine->scoreql_to_sql(
+						$database->scoreql_to_sql(
 							"UPDATE tags SET count = count + 1 WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(tag) = SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"
 						),
 						array("tag"=>$tag));
@@ -602,7 +602,7 @@ class Image {
 	private static function build_search_querylet($terms) {
 		assert(is_array($terms));
 		global $database;
-		if($database->engine->name === "mysql")
+		if($database->get_driver_name() === "mysql")
 			return Image::build_ugly_search_querylet($terms);
 		else
 			return Image::build_accurate_search_querylet($terms);
@@ -704,7 +704,7 @@ class Image {
 
 		// one positive tag (a common case), do an optimised search
 		else if(count($tag_querylets) == 1 && $tag_querylets[0]->positive) {
-			$query = new Querylet($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("
+			$query = new Querylet($database->scoreql_to_sql("
 				SELECT images.* FROM images
 				JOIN image_tags ON images.id=image_tags.image_id
 				JOIN tags ON image_tags.tag_id=tags.id
@@ -725,7 +725,7 @@ class Image {
 
 			foreach($tag_querylets as $tq) {
 				$tag_ids = $database->get_col(
-						$database->engine->scoreql_to_sql(
+						$database->scoreql_to_sql(
 							"SELECT id FROM tags WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(tag) = SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"
 						),
 						array("tag"=>$tq->tag));
@@ -1015,7 +1015,7 @@ class Tag {
 
 		global $database;
 		$newtag = $database->get_one(
-			$database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("SELECT newtag FROM aliases WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(oldtag)=SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"),
+			$database->scoreql_to_sql("SELECT newtag FROM aliases WHERE SCORE_STRNORM(oldtag)=SCORE_STRNORM(:tag)"),
 			array("tag"=>$tag));
 		if(!empty($newtag)) {
 			return $newtag;
diff --git a/core/user.class.php b/core/user.class.php
index bf013bf9..aedfadc9 100644
--- a/core/user.class.php
+++ b/core/user.class.php
@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ class User {
 		global $config, $database;
 		$row = $database->cache->get("user-session-$name-$session");
 		if(!$row) {
-			if($database->engine->name === "mysql") {
+			if($database->get_driver_name() === "mysql") {
 				$query = "SELECT * FROM users WHERE name = :name AND md5(concat(pass, :ip)) = :sess";
 			}
 			else {
diff --git a/ext/comment/main.php b/ext/comment/main.php
index 211167af..242abcc8 100644
--- a/ext/comment/main.php
+++ b/ext/comment/main.php
@@ -91,7 +91,7 @@ class CommentList extends Extension {
 			// the whole history
 			if($config->get_int("ext_comments_version") < 1) {
 				$database->create_table("comments", "
-					id {$database->engine->auto_increment},
+					id SCORE_AIPK,
 					image_id INTEGER NOT NULL,
 					owner_id INTEGER NOT NULL,
 					owner_ip CHAR(16) NOT NULL,
@@ -390,12 +390,12 @@ class CommentList extends Extension {
 		global $database;
 
 		// sqlite fails at intervals
-		if($database->engine->name === "sqlite") return false;
+		if($database->get_driver_name() === "sqlite") return false;
 
 		$window = int_escape($config->get_int('comment_window'));
 		$max = int_escape($config->get_int('comment_limit'));
 
-		if($database->engine->name == "mysql") $window_sql = "interval $window minute";
+		if($database->get_driver_name() == "mysql") $window_sql = "interval $window minute";
 		else $window_sql = "interval '$window minute'";
 
 		// window doesn't work as an SQL param because it's inside quotes >_<
diff --git a/ext/et/main.php b/ext/et/main.php
index e5dae4e7..570eb3da 100644
--- a/ext/et/main.php
+++ b/ext/et/main.php
@@ -44,7 +44,7 @@ class ET extends Extension {
 		$info['sys_shimmie'] = VERSION;
 		$info['sys_schema']  = $config->get_string("db_version");
 		$info['sys_php']     = phpversion();
-		$info['sys_db']      = $database->engine->name;
+		$info['sys_db']      = $database->get_driver_name();
 		$info['sys_os']      = php_uname();
 		$info['sys_disk']    = to_shorthand_int(disk_total_space("./") - disk_free_space("./")) . " / " .
 		                       to_shorthand_int(disk_total_space("./"));
diff --git a/ext/image_hash_ban/main.php b/ext/image_hash_ban/main.php
index 201a1080..53792fbb 100644
--- a/ext/image_hash_ban/main.php
+++ b/ext/image_hash_ban/main.php
@@ -155,7 +155,7 @@ class ImageBan extends Extension {
 			$args[] = "%".$_GET['reason']."%";
 		}
 		$where = implode(" AND ", $where);
-		$bans = $database->get_all($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("
+		$bans = $database->get_all($database->scoreql_to_sql("
 			SELECT *
 			FROM image_bans
 			WHERE $where
diff --git a/ext/ipban/main.php b/ext/ipban/main.php
index 8fa23ecb..66a02b49 100644
--- a/ext/ipban/main.php
+++ b/ext/ipban/main.php
@@ -197,7 +197,7 @@ class IPBan extends Extension {
 	private function block(/*string*/ $remote) {
 		global $config, $database;
 
-		$prefix = ($database->engine->name == "sqlite" ? "bans." : "");
+		$prefix = ($database->get_driver_name() == "sqlite" ? "bans." : "");
 
 		$bans = $this->get_active_bans();
 
diff --git a/ext/ipban/theme.php b/ext/ipban/theme.php
index 388ef141..e2776ef0 100644
--- a/ext/ipban/theme.php
+++ b/ext/ipban/theme.php
@@ -15,8 +15,8 @@ class IPBanTheme extends Themelet {
 		global $database, $user;
 		$h_bans = "";
 		$n = 0;
-		$prefix = ($database->engine->name == "sqlite" ? "bans." : "");
-		$prefix2 = ($database->engine->name == "sqlite" ? "users." : "");
+		$prefix = ($database->get_driver_name() == "sqlite" ? "bans." : "");
+		$prefix2 = ($database->get_driver_name() == "sqlite" ? "users." : "");
 		foreach($bans as $ban) {
 			$end_human = date('Y-m-d', $ban[$prefix.'end_timestamp']);
 			$h_bans .= "
diff --git a/ext/log_db/main.php b/ext/log_db/main.php
index 39a58f36..126a6f66 100644
--- a/ext/log_db/main.php
+++ b/ext/log_db/main.php
@@ -58,7 +58,7 @@ class LogDatabase extends Extension {
 					$args["module"] = $_GET["module"];
 				}
 				if(!empty($_GET["user"])) {
-					if($database->engine->name == "pgsql") {
+					if($database->get_driver_name() == "pgsql") {
 						if(preg_match("#\d+\.\d+\.\d+\.\d+(/\d+)?#", $_GET["user"])) {
 							$wheres[] = "(username = :user1 OR text(address) = :user2)";
 							$args["user1"] = $_GET["user"];
diff --git a/ext/tag_list/main.php b/ext/tag_list/main.php
index 44f65837..8788882f 100644
--- a/ext/tag_list/main.php
+++ b/ext/tag_list/main.php
@@ -153,7 +153,7 @@ class TagList extends Extension {
 
 		$tags_min = $this->get_tags_min();
 
-		$tag_data = $database->get_col($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("
+		$tag_data = $database->get_col($database->scoreql_to_sql("
 			SELECT DISTINCT
 				SCORE_STRNORM(substr(tag, 1, 1))
 			FROM tags
@@ -192,7 +192,7 @@ class TagList extends Extension {
 		if(file_exists($cache_key)) {return file_get_contents($cache_key);}
 
 		// SHIT: PDO/pgsql has problems using the same named param twice -_-;;
-		$tag_data = $database->get_all($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("
+		$tag_data = $database->get_all($database->scoreql_to_sql("
 				SELECT
 					tag,
 					FLOOR(LOG(2.7, LOG(2.7, count - :tags_min2 + 1)+1)*1.5*100)/100 AS scaled
@@ -228,7 +228,7 @@ class TagList extends Extension {
 		$cache_key = data_path("cache/tag_alpha-" . md5("ta" . $tags_min . $starts_with) . ".html");
 		if(file_exists($cache_key)) {return file_get_contents($cache_key);}
 
-		$tag_data = $database->get_all($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql("
+		$tag_data = $database->get_all($database->scoreql_to_sql("
 				SELECT tag, count
 				FROM tags
 				WHERE count >= :tags_min
diff --git a/ext/upgrade/main.php b/ext/upgrade/main.php
index 2c391fe0..a87aa150 100644
--- a/ext/upgrade/main.php
+++ b/ext/upgrade/main.php
@@ -28,7 +28,7 @@ class Upgrade extends Extension {
 			$config->set_bool("in_upgrade", true);
 			$config->set_int("db_version", 8);
 
-			$database->execute($database->engine->scoreql_to_sql(
+			$database->execute($database->scoreql_to_sql(
 				"ALTER TABLE images ADD COLUMN locked SCORE_BOOL NOT NULL DEFAULT SCORE_BOOL_N"
 			));
 
@@ -40,7 +40,7 @@ class Upgrade extends Extension {
 			$config->set_bool("in_upgrade", true);
 			$config->set_int("db_version", 9);
 
-			if($database->engine->name == 'mysql') {
+			if($database->get_driver_name() == 'mysql') {
 				$tables = $database->get_col("SHOW TABLES");
 				foreach($tables as $table) {
 					log_info("upgrade", "converting $table to innodb");